I Ruined Seven Lives — I Just Wanted To Be Loved!
I thought I was doing the right thing, but I was in it for the wrong reasons.
When I first found out I was pregnant with my oldest son, I wasn’t sure I could be a mother. I was an only child, as my brother died when I was an infant. I had never been around young children. My grandma raised me, so most of my upbringing was around her friends in their 60s and 70s.
I wanted to prove to myself that I could be a good mother. My mother was not a role model. She has never cared about me. She abused me as a young child (3), and CPS had to remove me from her care and placed me with my grandma, her mother.
After Nick, my oldest son, was born, I froze. I couldn’t hold him or change his diaper for 24 hours. I wasn’t sure I could do it. I wanted to, but something in me was scared to try.
A very kind and patient nurse came into my room and showed me how to hold my son, feed him, and change his diaper/clothes. She was so patient with me and validated my feelings. She told me it was okay to be afraid of being a mom. But I have to face it and take care of my boy.
It wasn’t long after that I learned the ropes. I was good at it, at least I thought. Within 12 years, I had six more children with a man I hated. Our home was toxic…
