Member-only story
I Ruined Seven Lives — I Just Wanted To Be Loved!
I thought I was doing the right thing, but I was in it for the wrong reasons.
When I first found out I was pregnant with my oldest son, I wasn’t sure I could be a mother. I was an only child, as my brother died when I was an infant. I had never been around young children. My grandma raised me, so most of my upbringing was around her friends in their 60s and 70s.
I wanted to prove to myself that I could be a good mother. My mother was not a role model. She has never cared about me. She abused me as a young child (3), and CPS had to remove me from her care and placed me with my grandma, her mother.
After Nick, my oldest son, was born, I froze. I couldn’t hold him or change his diaper for 24 hours. I wasn’t sure I could do it. I wanted to, but something in me was scared to try.
A very kind and patient nurse came into my room and showed me how to hold my son, feed him, and change his diaper/clothes. She was so patient with me and validated my feelings. She told me it was okay to be afraid of being a mom. But I have to face it and take care of my boy.
It wasn’t long after that I learned the ropes. I was good at it, at least I thought. Within 12 years, I had six more children with a man I hated. Our home was toxic and ruined the lives of all the children.
I decided to write this to examine why I had so many children with someone who never had any of our best interests in mind.
I think it goes back to my childhood. I wanted a family more than anything. I grew up with grandma and had a great childhood. However, something was missing. I longed to have a mom. I longed to know details about my dad, who died when I was 2 to cancer. It wasn’t my grandma’s fault because she was merely protecting me and doing her best to raise me.
That longing resulted in me wanting a large family. Kids made me feel loved. They adored me while they were young. I was good at parenting young children. Teens, on the other hand, were much more complicated. They forced me to confront my feelings of inadequacy and flaws.
As my three older sons, ages 25,23, and 21, grew older, they began to see my flaws. They began to see me…
